Category Archives: food

Flashback: Malt-o-meal

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I’m a grown woman. With children of my own.
Isn’t it funny how our childhood messes with the way we raise our own children. Even in little ways.
Case in point…

I don’t like oatmeal, or malt-o-meal. It’s a throwback to childhood. And, as an adult hasn’t ever been something I think about.
But, my son made himself a bowl of coco-wheats.
You know the kind.
Like chocolate malt-o-meal. It really is delicious. I just don’t make it.

At the store he says…
“Mom, why don’t you make Coco-Wheats? You know we like them.”
I have to tell him that it’s because of lame reasons and he can get a box and make them…himself.

Fast forward to the next morning…
He follows the directions on the box and makes himself a bowl of Coco-Wheats. But ignores the part about stirring. Doesn’t stir, just dumps everything in and leaves.

“Ewwww….it’s lumpy, and gross.” Piles of uncooked wheats lump together in the bowl. It’s not nice. At all.

THERE IT IS…
the memory.

My 10 year old son gets to experience in a small way my mornings as a child where we had some version of the dump and don’t stir malt-o-meal.
And now I know exactly what it was my mom did wrong.
She didn’t stir. At all. Ever. Never. Not. One. Single. Day.

Oh the horrors. And the joy of my child getting a similar experience.

 

Oatmeal. death.

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Oatmeal isn’t generally something you are too excited about as a child. That’s true.
But, as children we had a greater aversion to the stuff then most.

With good reason.

My mom would make oatmeal like this…

1. put water in a pot on the stove.

2. dump an amount into the water that may or may not be boiling (that part was just secondary. the boiling. Oh, and the amount too. That was just guessing.)

3. leave it for a while on the stove. stirring?? what’s that??

4. come back when you realize you forgot it.

5. tell everyone to eat. ignore them when they complain that it’s one big lump. that’s life.

Truly…oatmeal was a giant ball of uncooked mess. Or a soupy mess. One or the other.
We all still hate oatmeal as children. I don’t understand you all with your “oatmeal is good for you”.
Hello..oatmeal is death!

The Christmas Debacle of 2004 (or was it ’05?)

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So I don’t know if you’ve figured it out yet, but our mother can’t cook.

At all.

When big holidays come around, someone else always takes control of the kitchen.  We want to eat, and we don’t want to die.  We understand self-preservation.  But one year, our mother decided that she was going to do Easter dinner, and wouldn’t let any of us stop her.

So on Easter morning, she took a turkey out of the freezer and put it in a pan in the oven.

Twenty minutes later I came by (just to check up on it), and took the turkey out to remove the plastic wrapper.  You know, the wrapping that has the brand of turkey and nutritional info on it?

Twelve hours later, we had turkey for Easter dinner.  Nothing else.

We’ve managed to prevent her from cooking since then.

It’s okay, everyone doesn’t need to be a gourmet chef.  We don’t mind that our mom can’t cook.  We just mind it when she tries and forces us to eat it.  That’s just mean!

So if you can’t cook, you have a few options. 

Option 1: Learn, but please don’t force others to eat your crappy cooking along the way.

Option 2: Make other people cook.  I mean, it’s easier for you anyway!

Option 3: Become a take-out queen (or king)!

 And don’t offer to make Easter, or Thanksgiving, or Christmas Dinner.

Liver, head cheese, and spinach…oh my!

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Flashback….Food.

Let’s have 5 small children under 8 years old.
Let’s have them sit at say…the dining room table.
It’s supper time.
Enter mom with dinner.
Horrified looks amongst the children.

Liver and onions, head cheese, and canned spinach (straight from the can) are plopped onto each plate with these instructions…

“don’t leave your chair until every bit is gone”.

Huh? But…but…he’s only 4. He has to eat 4 head cheese AND liver AND spinach.

True story.

rock hard stomachs.
poison won’t kill us.