Our family church-hopped quite a bit growing up.  Here’s a listing of some of the really off-the-wall congregations we were part of for different lengths of time:

1) Cults-R-Us. Yep, the government considers it one.  It had really crazy rules, expected everyone to give most of their paychecks to support it, and believed caffeine was a stimulant that needed to be avoided, along with fast food and pastuerized milk.  Oh, and you couldn’t tell “outsiders” what happened within the church.

2) Adoption-central.  They didn’t call themselves that, but it would be a fitting name.  It was generally understood that you could only be a “real” part of this church if you had adopted.  Anyone else was a second-rate Christian.  Our family got by this rule because we already had so many kids 🙂

3) Hat-head.  Once again, not actually what they called themselves.  But women sat on one side of the church, wearing head coverings, and couldn’t be involved in any part of the service in any way.  Women were mute.  I don’t think this church liked me very much…

4) Sex-on-the-mind.  These people were so concerned about people thinking about sexual things, that even the little kids’ Sunday School hours were separated by gender.  I mean, really? Do you really think that my first-grade mind was thinking of doing THAT with the little boy a few rows forward in church?  That’s just wrong!

5) Warriors Against Satan.  Every sermon, bible study, and conversation with this church eventually became a dire warning against allowing Satan a place to enter into your life.  Beware!  Be on alert!  Don’t let him in!

Because that’s exactly what my plan was in the first place.  I was right on the verge of saying “oh, Satan…?  Would you pretty, pretty please come into my life and destroy absolutely everything you possibly can.  I would be most grateful.”  It’s such a good thing you warned me not to do that!  Whew!  That was close.

Serious Note: This post is not meant to be offensive to Christians.  Sibling 1 and I are both Christians, and attend churches in our home areas.  But the religious history is part of our family story, and there really are some pretty weird and creepy churches out there.  That’s just the truth.  Hopefully you don’t belong to one.